I don’t quite remember if these were a collected bunch of weird tweets or some weird inane rambling type jokes that i found in my stand up notebooks that clearly aren’t standup. Anyway, I put this on my website in 2016 and they were “written” some time before that so…. enjoy:
It must have really sucked to have been buried up to your neck and left to die, like Indians apparently used to do to cowboys, that must have really sucked, unless of course, you knew how to wiggle. Then it probably was fine.
When you see a spooky skeleton, a good way to make yourself less scared is to say, “Oh he’s probably just angry b/c he doesn’t have a penis, and that’s why he’s scaring people.” But don’t forget, women can be skeletons too, so SHE might be angry b/c SHE doesn’t have a penis.
Traveling is fun, because you can be in one city and not even be sure which ex it’s going to make you think of… Was it the one you were here with last time that you had a vacation with? Was it the one who lived here for a few years actually that almost moved to your city for you? Was it the first girl you ever kissed who also lived here? Lol, all fun things to think about and def not emotional and sad! Anyway, I’m gonna be at the laughing derby in Louisville tonight, if you’re in town!!!’
“Hey, that’s not a microphone, that’s a VHS copy of the movie ‘The Abyss’,” replied the Blockbuster store employee.
“I wasn’t talking to that VHS copy of the movie ‘The Abyss’, I was talking to myself.”
“Oh,” said the Blockbuster store employee.
“I mean, I may as well have been yelling into an abyss… this is a BLOCKBUSTER.”
And then they both laughed.
If I had to have sex with an animal, like it was mandatory, I’d choose… A human being, the dirtiest animal of them all. Also this particular human being would be dressed like my childhood dog “Aristotle”
If you want to see something interesting, might I suggest cutting a baseball in half? You’ll be really surprised by the insides and also that way, the baseball can no longer be used as a baseball and you don’t have to watch the rest of this baseball game. There’s 9 innings of this boring horseshit?!? And then they play 162 times a year?!? Oh, looks like we’ve got a lotta baseballs to cut!
I don’t think God is an old white man with a beard sitting on a cloud. I do definitely think he’s white and male though.
If you think about how horrible Vikings were as people, it’s kinda funny that we think of them as having those horns on their helmet. I think that rumor was probably started as a good natured prank by a guy who probably didn’t care too much for Vikings. Why was he so sore? Oh they probably raped and pillaged his family and then murdered his family. Lol.
If I taught a class on dinosaurs at like a local college or something, you’d probably think we’d spend alternating days talking about carnivores and herbivores, right? Wrong. I don’t care if this IS a state school, we’re going to spend as little time as possible on herbivores. Carnivores ROCK.
I got my dick tested on Thursday. Still waiting on the results, I feel like we did okay on the written part, but really blew the science and math portions.
I mean, if you think about it, all TV shows are just a bunch of people being goofs
Doesn’t matter what city I’m in, I’m never impressed with any Euclid Avenue
The crazy thing about talking about jazz is that really, its the words you don’t say about jazz that matter, thats what makes the jazz words really jazzy. And thats also what we’re doing all the time… Talking about jazz by not talking about jazz.
I don’t understand the people who put the 26.2 stickers on their cars. So your car can drive the length of a marathon, big whoop, i’m pretty sure so can everybody’s.
One of my great regrets in life is that I probably won’t get a chance to fuck my way through an Olympic village
I don’t give a care if I run over birds.
they certainly didn’t call them the Red Hot Chili Peppers for nothin’
Fun way to prove you’re not shallow? Print out headshots of all your ex GF’s… line them up in order of beauty and then underneath that row line them up in order of who’s existence is still hurting you. If they’re in the same order, sorry bro, you shallow. If you got an uggo or two up near the top of your hurt list, congrats, you’re a sensitive cool progressive guy!
Well, we used to put our dicks into sheep and other animal intestines and then put our sheep intestine covered penises inside vaginas… all so we didn’t have to pull out at the end of sex. So no, I’m not surprised the new Suicide Squad movie isn’t very good.
What’ll I have to drink, Bartender? Oh, I don’t know, do you have any clay jugs with X’s on the outside of em? Uh, THANK YOU.
I don’t know everything about girls, but i do know they all seem to love when a dress has pockets.
A favorite joke of hot girls is to suggest that they might just shave their whole head.
I don’t think I’ve ever met one chill nihilist
One time I bet there was a guy who wanted to write a movie set in Seattle that DIDNT have a scene where fish market guys throw fish
I know we joke around on here and brag and like to have fun, but if I can be serious for a minute, I want you guys to know my dick is made up of chicken wire and pvc pipe.
I guess if I have to identify as one of the gang from Archie comics, I’d be a Reggie. Sure, I’d like to be Arch and maybe sometimes I feel like a Jughead or even a Moose, but deep down, I know I’m Reggie, and that’s okay.
almost every great man in history was still a horrible dad
In hindsight, Michael Jackson really wagged it in all our faces
I saw the same great beautiful rainbow as the rest of you idiots, but unlike you assholes, I don’t live my life through my phone, I enjoyed it with my own eyes, with no filter, and after I was done cumming on the ground, I put my shades on and got back in my car and drove away.
“Ruth, what the fuck is a ‘Chris Steak’ and why did you invite us six seemingly strangers to your weird spooky mansion for dinner this evening?” — Dialogue for a new play I’m writing.
SOME PEOPLE ASK ME WHERE I GET MY MATERIAL, I TELL THEM THIS ISNT MATERIAL, ITS MOSTLY HUMAN SKIN. — Ed Gein, Catskills Comedian
Samuel Priest is Not a Realtor 