What if I told you about a 4 Bedroom, 2 Bath, restored rehab renovation 3,500 sq foot apartment located in the heart of Roscoe Village in Chicago, IL? What if I told you that apartment was in a historic 6 flat, near public transportation, and came with granite counter tops, black appliances, central heat & A/C , in-unit W/D, and private balcony and shared access to a fenced in back yard patio? And you could have that for less than $2200 a month, with optional garage parking? Sounds great, right? Well, unfortunately for you, I’m not a realtor.
Technically, I don’t even think I’m allowed to say and use the word ‘realtor’ as it’s trademarked or copyrighted or something. But this probably falls under fair use laws for parody, right? I’m supposed to say I’m not a ‘real estate agent.’ Which, I am also not. But, let me be very clear, I’m definitely not a realtor.
I cannot get you a good deal on a new house, nor can I help you out if you’re looking for a gut rehab condo, and I especially have no pull at various rental agencies if you’re looking for a cozy 2 bedroom in a particular neighborhood. It isn’t that dogs need to be okay, or that small dogs are fine if you’re willing to put down a pet deposit, but no animals over 30 pounds are allowed in the building, it’s mostly that I’m not a realtor.
I’m a stand-up comic and this is my website that links to various little projects and things I’ve done. My sincere “comedian” bio is as follows:
Originally a southern Indiana boy, now based out of Chicago, Samuel Priest has entertained audiences all throughout the Mid-West with a teasing delivery style of rude thoughts and sad stories and a few points that aren’t worth making. If it weren’t for his dimples, he’d be fairly unlikeable. Samuel has trained at the Second City and iO theaters, performed at Zanies, the Laugh Factory, and the Comedy Bar in Chicago, featured for the Crossroads Comedy Festival, Milwaukee Comedy Festival, Cleveland Comedy Festival, Big Little Comedy Festival. He placed for Best of the Mid West Fest, was a finalist for Peoria’s Jukebox Comedy Competition, and won Chicago Snubfest in 2015. His work has appeared in the Paper Machete, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, and Bust.com.
You can email me (it was me the whole time writing this!) at Samuel.J.Priest@gmail.com for any questions/concerns/booking requests. A writing packet is also available. If you have a real estate related question, I should probably reiterate, I am not a realtor.
-XoXo
Samuel Priest, 2017
Samuel Priest is Not a Realtor 